I Made it Through the Wilderness!

I know, I know - I'm WAY overdue for an update to this here blog. Sorry! Life happens!

In case you didn't know, we're PREGNANT! 21 weeks pregnant actually.

God worked a major miracle for us in January. Long story short, we were doing fertility treatments and had just added a new shot (ouch!) to the mix. They had high hopes that it would work for us since it's so high powered, but it didn't work. Bring on the devastation, frustration and crushed spirits.They told us to scratch the whole month and not continue with the plan that month. We had planned to regroup in February and try some new meds. But God had other plans. (Hallelujer!) He gave us a miracle baby and proved to us once again that His ways are better than our ways and He is good.

So, with that little recap out of the way, here's what's happening this week:

How Far Along: 21 weeks today!

(Only 19 weeks to go!)

Size of baby: Baby weighed 15 ounces at our appointment on Tuesday and is about 10 1/2 inches long.

Maternity Clothes: I was blessed with two big bags of maternity clothes. I am set for a while on shirts, but am always on the hunt for pants. We leave for the beach soon, so it's crunch time for finding some shorts. (blah!)

Gender: Little Miss :-)

Movement: She moves and grooves at certain times of the day, especially after lunch and when I play music in the car.

 Sleep: Pretty good this week. I sleep half the night sitting up on a mountain of pillows and the other half rotating between sides.

What I miss: Nothing significant. Sleeping on my back would be nice!

Cravings: Ice water. For real. Panera has also crossed my mind several times this week. I'll need to get my fix soon!

Best Moment This Week: Going to the 20 week scan and getting to watch little Claire move around for about an hour. They were able to get good clear shots of every part of her except her heart. Halfway through the scan, she decided to cross her arms over her chest and throw her legs over her head. They tried so hard get her to unravel so they could get a good shot of her heart, but she just wasn't cooperating. The good news is I get to go back in a month and look in on her again!

 

Adoption Saga Recap {Week 1}

 I guess I should start out by filling you in on the direction we've decided to head in what I lovingly refer to as the Adoption Saga.

When trying to decide which path God wanted us to take, we looked into all the options. International Adoption. Domestic Adoption. Private Adoption (finding a birth mother to allow us to adopt). We said yes to International Adoption and Private Adoption, although both options are really expensive. But in true Chase & Ashley form, when it came to Domestic Adoption, we said the one word that will almost always backfire on us: "No".

Our reasoning for saying no is that we've heard the horror stories of families taking in a child and falling in love with them, only to have them sent back to the crackhead birth parents. We also began to evaluate our financial situation and it became clear to us that even though we feel led to do it, it doesn't mean it has to be now. We believe that God will provide for us when the time comes to get a child from another country. So it's not out of our life forever, it's just not in our life right now.

Through a series of events and people in our lives, God showed us that we needed to take a closer look at Domestic Adoption through the state (DSS). We were pleasantly surprised to find out that the process to adopt through DSS is not very intense like we thought. Once you're finished with the process, you just wait.

Since waiting is invovled in any of the paths we would have chosen, we're not too worried about it. While we know that there is a risk invovled with fostering to adopt, we know that our God is in control. We just have to choose to put that in His hands every day and not worry about it.

I'm going to start recapping each week so that we can look back on the process and see how God has moved us through each step of this journey. I know some weeks there won't be much to report and other weeks we'll be SCREAMING IN ALL CAPS about something that God has done. Either way, you'll know about it.

As for this week...

I made the call on Wednesday to get the process started. I spoke with a very helpful woman who led me through each of the intake questions. I opted to have the application sent to me by email instead of snail mail - because let's face it...email is much faster and much easier on everybody. She told me that if I hadn't recieved it in a day or two I should call and check on it.

I hadn't recieved it by this morning so I called them again.  In talking with a friend who has been through this same process recently, the only advice she gave me was to stay on top of my case. She explained that they are very busy people and that the more you call and check, the faster things go. Not that I'd do this to pester them, but just to make sure things are getting done. She had her paperwork lost twice and had luckily made copies of everything the second time so that she could resubmit it quickly.

When I called, they were very helpful but informed me that my information had been lost. I answered all the intake questions again (which were only about 10 so it took just a few minutes). She said not to expect anything before next week but to call by Friday if I hadn't recieved anything.

I received an email from them this afternoon with all the information and with the application. I was able to fill it out and scan & save it just in case it was lost.

I also scheduled our orientation class that will take place on the 12th of this month. Once we're through with that, there are some big steps that we'll take. But for now, I'm happy to have the preliminary steps out of the way. Below you'll find the list taken directly from the SC DSS website. I get excited just reading through it and seeing that it's really not that many steps.

Steps in Adoption Saga

1. Complete over-the-phone intake and provide email or mailing address to receive application {Completed 11/30/11 and again on 12/2/11}
2. Application completed {Completed 12/2/11}
3. Orientation at regional office & turn in application
4. Complete SLED/ Fingerprints and Child Abuse Central register releases on all members of household 18 years and older
5. Attend 14 hours of preparatory training to help with self evaluation of the types of children which would fit into our family
6. Fire and sanitation inspections completed on home by the Fire Marshal and DHEC.
7. Home Visits: adoption specialist visits the home and completes interviews for pre- placement investigation
8. Three/ Four References received and interviewed by adoption specialist
9. Medicals on all family members
10. Provide copies of birth certificates, Marriage license and divorce petitions and decrees if applicable
11. During assessment we along with the agency assess qualifications and readiness to adopt
12. Approval received and we are considered for children along with other approved and waiting families
13. Placement committee selects us and notifies us of a child
14. We are presented full background on child/children for whom we are selected
15. We meet child/children and begin visitation with child/children
16. Placement occurs when child and we are ready for move
17. Post placement period begins and can continue up to 12 months
18. Finalization of the adoption in Family Court (Hallelujah!)

Your prayers through this process are much appreciated!

Orphan Sunday

This past Sunday was Orphan Sunday. Churches across the nation joined in remembering the children across the world who are living in orphanages just waiting to be loved. 

My church didn't mention it. Which doesn't say anything bad about our church, but it saddens me that it wasn't even on anyone's mind. To be honest, I didn't remember it until yesterday when I went through my reading list and saw a bunch of posts about it. That makes me sad too.

But I believe that God was at work on Orphan Sunday 2011 for Chase and Ashley Todd. We got in bed late Saturday night and stayed up looking at information on adoption from the Democratic Republic of the Congo until early Sunday morning. Through the site we were on, we realized that the DRC meets our requirements and we meet theirs. With all the different countries and agencies out there, it's hard to know which one is the right one. I've really been praying that God will show us clearly which agency and country is right for us. I feel like that happened for us early Sunday morning. For now, I'm at peace with the decision to pursue adoption from the Congo. 

We had a meeting scheduled with a local adoption agency tonight, but Chase had to cancel for volleyball. I would normally be upset that he chose his one great love volleyball over real life, but somehow it's ok with me. I think it's because I'm overwhelmed with all the information at the moment. They host an informational meeting once a month, so we'll catch the one next month.

That's all I really have to update on right now. Things are moving along. We've been in contact with an agency that's appealing to us. I checked them out with the better business bureau, adoptionagencyreviews.com and adoptionagencyratings.com, and they check out pretty good, so I still feel good about it. In the words of Chase, it's a lot like buying a car...we just have to find the salesman that feels right to us, because they can all make it sound good. True, true.

more compartments than a kaboodle

Where do I begin? Hmmm...

I'm going to do this by day so that it will make a little sense timeline-wise.

Sunday - Threw a surprise birthday party for Chase's mom. It went really well and we actually surprised her! She's a hard one to get, that's for sure.

Monday - Halloween. Nothing special went down. Just giving out candy and catching up on DVR.

Tuesday - [Morning] Prayer time on the way to work I asked God to please let the doctor call today and give us the answer we've been looking for about which path to take. Big things blowing up at work and lots of people screaming. I've decided that I would be well suited for multiple children because I know what it's like to constantly have people whining and pulling at me to fix something or do something for them. [Noon] Got the call I've been expecting from the doctor. The one where she tells me whether or not my Progesterone level went up. It didn't. With the highest dose (which I was on), I should have been a 10 and I was .05. She told me that the next step would be invetro and I told her that we have decided not to go any further. [Afternoon] Big meeting about one of the things that blew up that morning. Had to come up with a plan and be focused to get it resolved quickly. Sent a text to Chase during the meeting to let him know what the doctor said. [Evening] Held it together until Chase called and asked me if I was ok. I lost it. While driving. Went to a Christmas meeting at church then went out with the group to dinner. Had a good time laughing with friends. Didn't tell them about the phone call. [Bedtime] Pillow talk time with Chase ended up being one of those big talks that couples have from time to time in their relationships. There were no more words to say, only tears. So that's what I did.

Wednesday - [Morning] Based on our conversation the night before, I prayed a lot that God would provide us a miracle financially so that we could take care of this debt that we have. It's not much - actually not at all, but it's annoying because we're not getting anywhere only paying minimums. Work was still hectic. Coping a little better with the reality of Tuesday's events. [Evening] Went to Chase's volleyball game. Had a good time watching him do something he loves. He took me to dinner at Outback. Nothing makes you feel as good as a steak and loaded baked potato.

Thursday - [Morning] Still praying for a miracle. Trying to trust God blindly. Really grasping what it is to have faith. Everything is about babies today. Right down to the recipe for something I wanted to make last night. Why must the ingredients call for 'baby' things? [Afternoon] Niece calls and asks if she and her fiance can come over to talk. [Evening] Cooked dinner for niece and fiance. Potato soup and grilled chicken sandwiches. Comforting. By the end of the night we had made the decision to let her move in with us and pay rent. She will be getting married in September 2012 and just needs a place to stay till then while she plans and pays for her wedding. ~ Enter God's provision = extra money to pay off debt ~ [Bedtime] Felt better about how things were working out. Starting to regain Hope.

Friday - [Morning] Spent morning prayer time thankful for how God provides. Thankful that I don't have to give Him the plan because His plans are always greater. [Noon] Went to lunch with my boss. Had Vietnamese food for the first time. It was good! Right after we returned, I got a text from Chase asking that I call him. He said he needed me to go get his notebook out of my car and read something off to him that he needed. When I got outside, he was standing at my car. I knew he needed to talk, so we sat down at a picnic table in the smoking area outside the building. The man that appeared before me was not my usual bubbly, happy Chase. He was a very broken Chase. Nothing gets me quite like seeing him cry. It's only the second time in our marriage that I've seen him cry. The first being while he said his vows on our wedding day. He just told me that he's had a very hard day dealing with everything. He's angry with God for not allowing us to get pregnant on our own. He's angry that we can't financially afford to pay everything to have this adoption process done now. He's sad because he feels like he's letting me down by not being strong. All these emotions just came pouring out of my sweet husband. At the same time he was showing his weakness, God was showing me that His strength is made perfect in my weakness. God started giving me things to say to my husband to encourage him and to give him hope. We sat there for a while, alternating between crying and encouraging each other. After about 45 minutes, he left a much happier man that when he came. [Afternoon] I'm sitting her now, trying to focus on work, but not being able to. I think the floodgates have opened and everything that I've tucked away to deal with later has come back out.

My whole life I've been able to compartmentalize my circumstances. In the same day, I can get terrible news and be the funniest person you've ever had dinner with. Am I being fake? No. Am I allowing myself to feel what I need to feel? Not always. But it's always worked for me. But this situation seems to be bigger than any of my compartments. I can hold it in for a day or so, but then out of no where I just completely unravel. Through this I feel that God is teaching me to be vulnerable. To let my husband hear me cry myself to sleep. To let him hold me as I pour my heart out to him. But at the same time, I feel that I gain so much strength with each step of faith we take.

God never promised us an easy life. He never promised that we'd have everything tied up with a bow on top. But I believe that as we trust Him, He'll give us just what we need to get by.

What I'm blasting in my car...

"Faithful God" Gateway Worship


If I call, will You come
When I cry, do You hear
I believe every tear
Is caught up by a faithful God
So I will cry until You come
Cast my cares into Your arms
I can't see past this storm
But I'm counting on a faithful GodFaithful God
You hold my life secure
All my days are Yours
I believe
My God is like a fire defending me
FaithfullyI believe You still heal
And demons still bow
I'm convinced there is power
In trusting in a faithful God
So I will praise till You appear
And set Your foot upon this shore
I declare that every foe
Is subject to my faithful God

I know that You are mine
And I am Yours, I am Yours
I know Your faithfulness
It will endure, it will endure

Click here to watch the video of this song. It's my lifeline right now.

Baby Debacle of 2011

Yes, my friends, it's just another Monday. A man named Monday to be exact. I don't like this man. He doesn't treat me well - ever. Well, maybe if I'm on vacation and I wake up and realize I have a week left of said vacation. But otherwise, he's no friend of mine.
 __________________________________-

Happy Fall Y'all! I'm so excited about my upcoming trip to the 'mountings' to see two of my closest friends on the planet. I'm hoping this weekend will be filled with lots of laughter, rest, and good food. I need it. Like whoa.

As for an update on the Baby Debacle of 2011, here goes: I'm supposed to start the 2nd round of Clomid, which will be a double dose of what I took last time. We'll see how this goes. I'm not really holding out much hope that it's going to work anymore. Now, before you go all 'shake it off Kippy' on me, I want you to know that I'm ok with it. I started talking with a friend from work last week about how she adopted her son from Vietnam and it really got me thinking about how that may be the path that God has for us.

We are both totally down with the idea of adoption. In fact, as a little girl, I cried for my very own Chinese child. When my mom got me a doll (that she ordered from China I believe), I cried because I wanted a REAL child from China. A child of my very own. So yeah, you could say that adoption has been on my heart for a long time now. I made sure that Chase was also on board with adoption before I married him. I guess it goes without saying that he too has a heart for adoption. Duh - I married him!

SO, through my conversation with Lisa, she hooked me up with several very informative sites about domestic and international adoption. Chase and I both agree that domestic adoption isn't the way for us. We don't feel called to that area and I'm glad. It seems like there's more room for heartache when dealing with a domestic adoption. I truly admire the families who are willing to put their hearts out there for domestic adoptions.

Knowing that international adoption was the way to go for us, we started really digging in and soaking up as much information as we could about the process and timelines. We registered for a seminar on November 8th that will be discussing international adoption. It's held at the agency that we've chosen to work with (pending a visit and checking them out as much as possible). They're a Christian organization and we're excited to get started with them.

Now, I guess you're wondering why I'd still take Clomid or why we'd get so involved in this adoption process right now... My best explanation is this: We've both prayed and agreed together that if the Clomid doesn't work for us in the next two months, we'll start agressively pursuing international adoption. Oh and as for the country we've chosen, we'll leave that a surprise. But I guarantee we'll end up with the cutest little Todd-lers on the planet!

How do I...What do I...Where do I...

Raise your hands if you've ever hit the point in your current situation where you're out of tears, words, thoughts, and even prayers. **Now, before we get too far into this, I want you to know that I realize I've only officially been on the baby track for a few months. I realize that I don't have a right to be weary yet. I realize that there are people out there and people close to me that have it far worse than I do. People who have struggled for years with no baby. ** With all that being said / realized, here's the update on my current sitch:

I started Clomid last month. I took the medicine on the right days, had *fun* on the right days, and even hung upside down as suggested by a dear friend. (Shout out to Courtney!) I had my day 21 blood work done two weeks ago to find out if I ovulated.  I took my day 28 pregnancy test to see if I had indeed been 'knocked up'. (Again, shout out to Courtney!) The test was a big negative. *Which by the way always ruins your day. Even if you're expecting a negative, something about it just puts me in a funk for the rest of the day.* I finally got the results back from my blood work on Tuesday of last week. The result: I did nothing. Well not exactly nothing, but as close to zero as you can get. A good progesterone level for women trying to conceive with the help of Clomid is 6 or higher. My progesterone level was .3. Not 3, but point 3. The sweet nurse could tell I was a little disappointed (to say the least!) and she was trying to be very positive and give me a pep talk. It was just a sad day.

The doctor plans to double the dose of Clomid to see if my ovaries will respond to that. Here's hoping!

Well this I-have-no-words post turned out to actually have a lot of words. And now I'm just adding words about words, so I guess it's time to go.

In brighter news, I'm going to be decorating for fall this week. Super happy about that! Stay tuned...

Do What When?

If I could have a sub-title for this post it would be: 'Over-sharing At Its Finest'
These past few weeks have been a whirlwind for me. Is anybody out there with me? It seems like the second I get one issue resolved, something else pops its ugly little head up. Thankfully, I have a hubby who acts as the duct tape that holds me together.

We started off the month by going to the Lady Doctor (as I lovingly call her) to discuss the next step in our quest for parenthood. She told me some things she'd like for me to do first, I told her what I would and wouldn't do in the process, and then we landed on Clomid. (Click the link to learn more about it.) She basically said that we could give it a try and see how it works for us. It's only wise to take 6 rounds (and by rounds I mean taken in conjunction with 6 cycles), so the heat is on. Well, at least I thought it would be. The closer I get to the actual date that I start taking it, I am finding myself very calm and collected about the whole thing. Yes, it could work and we'll have a baby (or 2!) or it could not work and we'll be heading the adoption route. Either way, for us the end result is adding a Todd-ler or two to our crazy little family.

So back to the title of this post... It was actually pretty funny sitting in the room with Chase who had never been in a torture chamber gyno's office before and was being a total middle-schooler every time she said sex. He sat in his corner and giggled... It was hard to be nervous with all that going on behind her. She was rambling off all these numbers and days and when we needed to take what. I finally just said "Are you going to write this down? I mean, is there a quiz at the end?" Luckily, the good doc has a sense of humor and assured me that she'd have her nurse write it down for me. I'm going to share it with you guys so you can be just as confused as I am...thank goodness I've had to repeat it so many times that I actually have my head wrapped around it...

Day 35 of cycle, if I haven't started, take Provera for 10 days
Day 45 of cycle, you should start new cycle
Day 5 of new cycle, take dose 1 of Clomid
Day 9 of cycle, take dose 5 of Clomid
Day 12 of cycle, have fun
Day 14 of cycle, have fun
Day 16 of cycle, have fun
Day 18 of cycle, have fun
Day 21 of cycle, come back for blood work

She made Chase blush by specifically telling him not to even try on the odd days even though she knows he's a man and he'll want to. I thought that was hilarious! We are not too far in to the process and with everything hinging on my PCOS and my cycle working with me and not against me, I could be in a holding pattern for a little while. Hopefully I'll be moving forward soon!

That's all I've got for now.