more compartments than a kaboodle

Where do I begin? Hmmm...

I'm going to do this by day so that it will make a little sense timeline-wise.

Sunday - Threw a surprise birthday party for Chase's mom. It went really well and we actually surprised her! She's a hard one to get, that's for sure.

Monday - Halloween. Nothing special went down. Just giving out candy and catching up on DVR.

Tuesday - [Morning] Prayer time on the way to work I asked God to please let the doctor call today and give us the answer we've been looking for about which path to take. Big things blowing up at work and lots of people screaming. I've decided that I would be well suited for multiple children because I know what it's like to constantly have people whining and pulling at me to fix something or do something for them. [Noon] Got the call I've been expecting from the doctor. The one where she tells me whether or not my Progesterone level went up. It didn't. With the highest dose (which I was on), I should have been a 10 and I was .05. She told me that the next step would be invetro and I told her that we have decided not to go any further. [Afternoon] Big meeting about one of the things that blew up that morning. Had to come up with a plan and be focused to get it resolved quickly. Sent a text to Chase during the meeting to let him know what the doctor said. [Evening] Held it together until Chase called and asked me if I was ok. I lost it. While driving. Went to a Christmas meeting at church then went out with the group to dinner. Had a good time laughing with friends. Didn't tell them about the phone call. [Bedtime] Pillow talk time with Chase ended up being one of those big talks that couples have from time to time in their relationships. There were no more words to say, only tears. So that's what I did.

Wednesday - [Morning] Based on our conversation the night before, I prayed a lot that God would provide us a miracle financially so that we could take care of this debt that we have. It's not much - actually not at all, but it's annoying because we're not getting anywhere only paying minimums. Work was still hectic. Coping a little better with the reality of Tuesday's events. [Evening] Went to Chase's volleyball game. Had a good time watching him do something he loves. He took me to dinner at Outback. Nothing makes you feel as good as a steak and loaded baked potato.

Thursday - [Morning] Still praying for a miracle. Trying to trust God blindly. Really grasping what it is to have faith. Everything is about babies today. Right down to the recipe for something I wanted to make last night. Why must the ingredients call for 'baby' things? [Afternoon] Niece calls and asks if she and her fiance can come over to talk. [Evening] Cooked dinner for niece and fiance. Potato soup and grilled chicken sandwiches. Comforting. By the end of the night we had made the decision to let her move in with us and pay rent. She will be getting married in September 2012 and just needs a place to stay till then while she plans and pays for her wedding. ~ Enter God's provision = extra money to pay off debt ~ [Bedtime] Felt better about how things were working out. Starting to regain Hope.

Friday - [Morning] Spent morning prayer time thankful for how God provides. Thankful that I don't have to give Him the plan because His plans are always greater. [Noon] Went to lunch with my boss. Had Vietnamese food for the first time. It was good! Right after we returned, I got a text from Chase asking that I call him. He said he needed me to go get his notebook out of my car and read something off to him that he needed. When I got outside, he was standing at my car. I knew he needed to talk, so we sat down at a picnic table in the smoking area outside the building. The man that appeared before me was not my usual bubbly, happy Chase. He was a very broken Chase. Nothing gets me quite like seeing him cry. It's only the second time in our marriage that I've seen him cry. The first being while he said his vows on our wedding day. He just told me that he's had a very hard day dealing with everything. He's angry with God for not allowing us to get pregnant on our own. He's angry that we can't financially afford to pay everything to have this adoption process done now. He's sad because he feels like he's letting me down by not being strong. All these emotions just came pouring out of my sweet husband. At the same time he was showing his weakness, God was showing me that His strength is made perfect in my weakness. God started giving me things to say to my husband to encourage him and to give him hope. We sat there for a while, alternating between crying and encouraging each other. After about 45 minutes, he left a much happier man that when he came. [Afternoon] I'm sitting her now, trying to focus on work, but not being able to. I think the floodgates have opened and everything that I've tucked away to deal with later has come back out.

My whole life I've been able to compartmentalize my circumstances. In the same day, I can get terrible news and be the funniest person you've ever had dinner with. Am I being fake? No. Am I allowing myself to feel what I need to feel? Not always. But it's always worked for me. But this situation seems to be bigger than any of my compartments. I can hold it in for a day or so, but then out of no where I just completely unravel. Through this I feel that God is teaching me to be vulnerable. To let my husband hear me cry myself to sleep. To let him hold me as I pour my heart out to him. But at the same time, I feel that I gain so much strength with each step of faith we take.

God never promised us an easy life. He never promised that we'd have everything tied up with a bow on top. But I believe that as we trust Him, He'll give us just what we need to get by.