Adoption Saga Recap {Weeks 30 - 34}

It's about to get real up in here, y'all.

Don't say I didn't warn ya!

As most of you know, we got to take class 1 of 2 this past weekend. It. Was. Awesome. I never thought I'd say that about a DSS class, but it really was great.

We learned so much in a 5 hour period. We both left the class for lunch and didn't realize we hadn't taken a breath until we got in the car and both exhaled really big.

Our instructor was that good. In fact, I told Chase that we needed to get her contact information in case anything arose once we had children and needed her expertise. She does NOT work for DSS and that was made clear to us multiple times. Her catch phrase was "They don't teach this in Social Worker 101". She has 40 years of experience in social work and now has a counseling service that caters to children who have experienced trauma.

So I'll just dive right in from the beginning.

She started the class by playing a slideshow that was accompanied by the song "Listen" from the Dream Girls soundtrack. Mixed in with pictures of happy children and families were pictures of assaulted children and even some deceased children. It was intense. Her first statement after the slideshow was something like this: "You all volunteered to be here. These children didn't." 

The focus of this class was to help us empathize with the children. She wanted us to know where these children have come from and what they are currently going through. She spoke a lot about their trauma and how them being removed from their home and placed into our home is just as much of a trauma for them as the abuse or neglect that brought them to us.

I'm going to take you on the same journey that she took us on Saturday. Stay with me.

Imagine that you are a child again. You're playing on the floor in your house with your toys. Your grandmother is yelling about something in the kitchen and your crazy uncle Joe is acting up again. He's drunk and you know that, but it's uncle Joe. You love him. Your mom is in the living room watching tv. All of a sudden there's a knock at the door. Two people are standing there and when you see them, they lock eyes with you and come straight for you. They pick you up and take you out of the house. They put you in a car and you look back at the house as the front door closes. The car pulls away from your house and neither of them talks to you during the drive. They pull up to a strange house and get you out of the car. They walk up to the door and ring the doorbell. A woman and man open the door and say "Hi". The adults exchange a few words and then they take you into the house. They walk you to a room and say "This will be your room. Here's where you'll put your things." That's when you're reminded that you don't have any things. No toys. No pillow or blanket. Just the clothes on your back. They leave you in the room to get 'settled' and you sit there and listen to the silence, trying to figure out what just happened.

How would you respond? Are you angry? Are you too upset to eat or talk? Do you scream and cry out in rage? Do you want to break things? Do you want to run away?

And now we're back.

Heavy, right? 

Here's a thought she gave us that really put things into perspective: Most foster/adoptive families expect children to come in and say "Oh thank you so much for saving me. Thank you for giving me a place to stay and keeping me safe." But that's not going to happen. For most children, they have been so abused or neglected that they don't know life is not supposed to be that way. Our normal is their abnormal. Our safety is their trauma. So when they are dropped off at this strange house with strange people, we can't expect them to just start life with us like nothing has happened.

It's our job to be healers. 

We spent a lot of the day talking about how these children need to be healed. We talked about how to recognize different types of trauma and to get to the root of it with the child. She made it abundantly clear to us that DSS's job is NOT to heal the children. It's to remove them from bad situations and try to correct the problem in order to keep the family together. Even if it's not the best situation for the child, that's their priority. She explained that we are the only party involved that is really looking out for the best interest of the child. That's sad.

We did another exercise that showed us the three main components of a child. Their physical, emotional and spiritual parts. She picked Mr. Todd as the physical part because he was the toughest looking guy in the class. (Little does she know he's a teddy bear!) She picked the lady that had been crying for the entire class to be the emotional part. (Of course.) She picked another lady to be the spiritual part. The rest of the class stood in a circle around the 3 and held hands. We represented the innocence of the child. She had two more people on the outside that represented the parents. She created a scenario where the dad was abusing the child and the mom was supporting the dad and not the child. Immediately following the part about the dad's abuse, she broke our hands in the circle and spent some time talking about how the innocence of the child will NEVER be put back together again.

The physical part of the child will act out by breaking things, fighting the foster parents, running away, screaming, cussing, and many other actions. 

The emotional part is driving those physical actions, so we know that the child is hurting. They don't know how to carry on adult conversations or be objective about what they're feeling, so they act out the only way they can. 

The spirit of the child is obviously broken and has to be pieced back together through encouragement and helping them learn to cope with their situation. 

Basically, if we don't heal the spirit of the child, the emotional part will not be whole. If the emotions are not healed, the physical part won't change.

It's our job to work on healing the child. We have to build trust with them and then work on getting them to open up to us and share. It won't always be easy. It may even be too much for us at times. But we have to be willing to try for their sake.

So in all, it was a LOT of information. I really only hit the highlights here.

Next week we're going to learn how to discipline children who have experienced various types of trauma. Since their situations are unique, their discipline has to be unique too. 

Stay tuned! We're like sponges right now...

Thanks for cheering us on as we walk out this journey. You are all very important to us!

Steps in Adoption Saga

1. Complete over-the-phone intake and provide email or mailing address to receive application {Completed 11/30/11 and again on 12/2/11}
2. Application completed {Completed 12/2/11}
3. Orientation at regional office & turn in application {Completed 12/12/11}
4. Complete SLED/ Fingerprints and Child Abuse Central register releases on all members of household 18 years and older {Completed 12/19/11}
5. Attend 14 hours of preparatory training to help with self evaluation of the types of children which would fit into our family {Scheduled 7/14/12 & 7/28/12 hallelujer}
6. Fire and sanitation inspections completed on home by the Fire Marshal and DHEC.
7. Home Visits: adoption specialist visits the home and completes interviews for pre- placement investigation
8. Three/ Four References received and interviewed by adoption specialist {2/3/12}
9. Medicals on all family members
10. Provide copies of birth certificates, Marriage license and divorce petitions and decrees if applicable
11. During assessment we along with the agency assess qualifications and readiness to adopt
12. Approval received and we are considered for children along with other approved and waiting families
13. Placement committee selects us and notifies us of a child
14. We are presented full background on child/children for whom we are selected
15. We meet child/children and begin visitation with child/children
16. Placement occurs when child and we are ready for move
17. Post placement period begins and can continue up to 12 months
18. Finalization of the adoption in Family Court (Hallelujah!)